what the fuck!

I'm tired of the attitudes from cj.
I guess he still doesn't realize that its his fault I can't trust him.
Because yet day after day I got yelled at by the little questions I ask.
I'm so sick of feeling like a piece of shit.
You tell me you didn't text me back because you didn't want to talk to me,
and now your telling me differnt.
Way to go.
You lied.
You must feel like a real man now.

I'm so confused. I'm dizzy all the time and I have too much thought in my head.
Is it time I just give up and see that I'm not going to ever fully trust him again
until he works for it and earns it?
No, it's not time for me to realize that because if I do,
I'll remember that he won't ever truly work for it and I'll just give up on him.

I'm beginning to miss may 7th, 2008.
I never layed by her side and yet still felt so alone..
Not once.

sex, faces, drugs?

I don't know if im wrong for saying this but here it goes.
Tonight my boyfriend asked me if we could smoke again, after I already told him us smoking that one time a few weeks ago was A ONE TIME THING, OR A "SPECIAL OCCASION" THING.
I knew he was going to start up again with this shit. And yet, I can't stand up for myself and say no because I just want to make him happy and I want to be a good girlfriend.
But, he knows I don't like pot, which is his choice of drug. Now on the other hand, pills are my choice of drug, which he hates. How would he feel if I asked him if he could take some pills with me and get high? He wouldn't take me seriouslly and then he would probably call me a bitch for even saying something like that. Its not fare the way im seeing it, and even though some of you may say "well pot isnt as bad as pills" WRONG. pills can fuck up your stomach over time. And pot can fuck up your lungs over time. What the fuck. They are both drugs. They can both be used for pain, or for the high, or even for both the pain and the high in my case with pills. But anyway, we went out and rented a xbox360 game for tonight and got the pot. Which, I can't say Im soo angry about having to smoke it, im just a little upset that he knows I don't like it and he has the nerve to still go ahead and ask me, after I let him know ten times before this that that one last time was really the one last time. whatever. fuck people who only think of themselves. which is not my boyfriend at all, but in this case, im starting to think of him like that and im really getting pissed. at least we had great sex earlier...
yea so nothing else is really going on other than hopefully these people call us tomorrow so i can go pick up my ring! at least im excited about something. i spent the day today hanging with my little sister and mother. Then I got back home with my baby, we had great time together LOL...and we also drew penises on eachothers backs (god we are wierd)
Oh, and not to mention the beautiful face he drew on my tummy..

and YES, I am fully aware that my bellybutton is a line ;]

now back to eating candy and rolling a blunt.
...

how much is our 'relationship on the rocks'?

i feel like me and cj are at a bad point in time with our relationship.
i feel like he doesn't really care all that much for my feelings,
and that just makes me think that he really doesnt love me.
how can i be so sure about something one day and then be so confused about it
the day after? i don't know if what we need is a break because i honeslty think that
if we have a "break", im not going to come back to him...
i feel like i deserve more. i feel like i deserve someone who wont betray the trust i have for them,
or at least someone who doesnt betray that trust and not even apologize and realize you've done wrong
and you've hurt me...
that's the biggest problem in our relationship.
another thingt is how he doesnt listen to me or make an effort.
i try to talk to him about something, important or not,
and he acts like a 5 year old. he hears me but he's not actually listening.
why won't he actually make an effort for me anymore??
because he's gotten lazy in this relationship, because hes bored of me, because im not that important?
i thought that when you love somebody, their feelings are just as equal to your own..
and thats not the way he treats me.
i really am afraid of what wil happen to our relationship when i walk out that door.
it will most likely be for good after i see and remember how less stresful it was without him with me.

And what really puzzles me is...
WHY THE FUCK AM I THE ONE WHO HAS TO TRY AND BUILD THAT TRUST BACK UP...WHEN HE IS THE ONE WHO KNOCKED IT DOWN...?

tits here, there, everywhere.

once again... i build up my self asteem only to get it throw back down to ZERO.
im going to end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein.
cool. thats great. i love feeling like my body is a piece of shit on the sidewalk.

"noone can stop us or slow us down"

god..i dont know what to fucking do. i dont trust my love enough to stay away from him for too long. and thats not even all the reason though. you'd be pretty upset if you were sleeping on a couch with a fucked up back, having to breathe in bogie smoke from three different people the second you wake you. if you had to hear a fucking baby throw fits all the time, on top of the head ache from all the smoke. nothing to eat, nothing to do. nobody to hang out with here. all i have is this laptop and my phone. my phone which is not doing me any justice considering everytime i call cj or he calls me it will last for like less than ten minutes because he wants to ddo something or because he just wants to get off the phone. when i text him, he most likely will not text back. whatever. i cant breathe in this house. im sick and i feel like shit from all this fucking smoke. i miss my boyfriend and i cant stop crying. when we say goodbye to eachother on the phone i try to keep myself from crying. i know ill see him tomorrow but what after that? i already know we are just going to keep moving further and further apart from eachother. he's gunna find someone cooler than me to hangout with that lives closer to him. im gunna end up getting more and more lonely and try to see him more and hes gunna bug because im being too attached. i already know it. it'll happen. he told me a few minutes ago on the phone that he was going to come get me because he knows thats what i want but know he said fuck it hes not going to because ive been giving him an attitude all day. seriouslly? dont try to fucking threaten me. i havn't beein giving yo an attitude all day. i have simply been UPSET because i miss you that much. being sad, and just plain out being a bitch are two totally different things. i was trying to explain that to him but really everytime i opened my mouth i just couldnt talk without bringing on tears. i want to fall asleep in his arms. i want to hold his hand. i want to kiss him. but instead, im sitting here on the couch which i will be sleeping on once again tonight, alone, listening to thrice, crying. how am i going to do this for months more, when i cant even handle two days?

i can already tell im getting depressed here. im falling right back into that same rut i was in last year. first ill stop eating..then ill stop sleeping.. and then ill be going back to all the parties.
cool. really fucking cool. at least ill have something to do and ill be filling the lonelyness in me.
later.