time.

I feel like shit today, worse than usual. not thee worst, but worse on my scale. i hate it. its so hard to just forget about the pain and be happy all day. i want to give up. i want to be in a deep sleep for eternity, sad to say.. we went to alto's and cj bought something for his acoustic guitar. then we ventured off to tj maxx only to find there store sucks right now. i figured, considering its the holidays. my one year anniversary gift for cj should have been delivered to my sisters house today. who knows if it did or not. i cant wait to put it together and frame it :) its one of the only things im looking forward to next week. i also bought hot lingerie, i have never worn something like that for my love but it wont hurt doing something new, and plus it makes me feel sexy, and when i feel sexy, im happy for once. yay! so yeah. wendeys didnt ave barbecue sauce when we went a bit ago and i wanted to punch the ladt in the face. i dont know why. just 'cause.. what wendeys doesnt carry barbecue sauce? idiots. i need to stop eating so much. i need to stop eating when im bored, or when i just think im hungry because somebody else is eating, when really im not even the least bit into it. im gaining weight and maybe others dont notice YET but im noticing. i wish it was like back in the old days when i would eat and eat and eat and still be thin as a fucking stick. god was that awesome.. Anyways, last night cj told me that i had long legs and a short torso and that my bely button was up too high on my stomach. wow isnt that just FUCKING AWESOME ! yea, thanks for the compliments babe. your just that hot, too..

So tomrrow is the last day of '09 and thats actually very frustrating for me. time goes way to fast. i hate it. im sure you hate it too. really though, FUCK YOU TIME. go slower or ill beat you with a snow shovel. god. it seriouslly sucks, i wish life was longer and less painful. well, i dont know about you but i sure as hell know the number one thing i think about most in life besided my baby is pain. im tired of randomly crying in stores or in restaruants because every bone in my body is aching and every joint in my body is throbbing and swelling. i really dont think anybody would be abke to relate unless theyr sick too.
every single day, for two years now, ive begged inside my head to feel like every other girl my age. to be able to do things they can without hurting. to be able to run. if this doesnt change i will probably end up dead. wherever i go next has to be better than this. it has to beat hurting every morning, every night.