i hate myself today

i wish i had blue eyes, and i wish my hair was thicker.
i wish i was shorter and my legs wern't so fucking skinny.
i want to look good with my natural hair color.
i see beatiful brunettes sometimes and i have impulses to jump on top of her,
grab her hair, rip every single piece out, and choke her to death.
your probably thinking i need help if i get this upset about looks.
but am i really, getting this upset?
i just want to be beautiful. yea, i can call myself pretty.
but beautiful? my own lover hasn't ever called me beatiful.
not once for a whole year.
actually, the only person thats ever called me beautiful is my mother and brother.
of course they are going to tell me that.

so anyways except for thinking im ugly,
i also think other people are ugly too.
no, not by looks.
personalities.
am i one of them as well?
well, if you really knew me you would know that
i have more than just one personality.
and no, i dont refer them to be different people.
just personalities.
i cant help it either. it just happens.
you cant help the way you slit your fucking wrists and thighs, can you?
you cant help that your father dumps a bag of coke into his nose and sits in the corner every night, can you?
you cant help the way some people stare at you thinking the devil is in you,
CAN YOU?

no, of course not.
you cant.
i cant.
she cant.
they cant.

just like you cant help that you teased a man almost ten years older than you to the point of him pushing you down to his buddie's basement and fucking the shit out of you until you give in and acted as if you liked it, can you?


you cant help that you passed by him in shoprite last year and noticed he still wears that hairtye around his wrist, that he yanked out of your hair gooed up with beer and smoke while he was forcing himself inside you,
NOW FUCKING CAN YOU